Friday, 29 November 2013

what about mum?

Think back to a really busy time in your life, where literally you were in a whirl. When you look back, do you see it with a different perspective, see things in a different light to how you felt they appeared at the time? Well, I kind feel like I am just coming out of my whirl.

Yesterday, Eds school had organised a tasting of a new menu for dinner time. Due to budget constraints, the dinner ladies who have faithfully served our children their lunches over the history of the school, will serve their last Christmas dinner in a few weeks time. The food will now be from a central provider coming hot from a 'hub' school. Of course with the digestive issues that most special children have, I wanted to go along and make sure that they weren't being served - well - crap!
So mid-day finds me shooting off up the motor way to this tasting and question session. The school secretary of the hosting school greeting me with kind perplexity. After about 5 minutes enquiry she informed me very nicely, that I was at the wrong school! They were the hub provider, but, for some reason the tasting session was in Marlowe, another 20 mins down the road. How had I so grossly misunderstood that school letter? Well, I am just recognising quite how high my stress levels are/have been.

A few weeks ago, one of my darling brothers married his long time girlfriend. We set off about 8 in the morning for a noon wedding. Even though I was 'having the day off' (because Lauren had very kindly agreed to look after Ed till we got back the following day), and I was spending time with all my family - who I adore, my black mood (which had settled on me with the stress of getting out of the house) didn't lift till my darling sister appeared at the reception in the same dress as me. Long story short, for some reason we thought it would be a good idea, but she had changed her mind. But, seeing her in that dress,  I just laughed and laughed and had the best of times imaginable. On the drive home, I was going over why had I been so miserable in the morning. This along with lots of other 'little things' has really made me question myself. So there I was, at the wrong place right time. 'Bugger it', thinks I.  On the drive home, the mud settles and I realise that for a few weeks now, Ed has just been amazing compared to his normal self. I can see just how stressed I really have been, but when your right in the middle of it, you just put your best foot forward and get on with it. Over the past few weeks as home life has been less mad, my adrenaline has obviously stopped pumping. I feel like a bear in autumn. just want to eat chocolate and hibernate. I thought about my role in the family, dragging everyone through the day, and thought 'hang on a minute - what about me?' So I had a bath and washed my hair, which may not sound like a big deal, but honest - I can't remember the last time I did that.

You may be thinking what are you saying liz? Well, to those who deal with the families of disabled children, be kind. Just because you told us, doesn't mean we remember. We need constant reminders, clear directions and instructions to cut through our fog. And for my readers, from now on, I intend to publish informative pieces. Because I have been told it helps to back up my finding (as they are generally contrary to everything we are told) it takes up quite a bit of time. So, from January onwards, I intend to publish just once a month. To catalogue the important nuggets that have brought me to the point where I can actually see Ed behave normally - sometimes (and hopefully more often in the future). What about me? I have finally committed to become a certified NAET practitioner. This monday I started on the diploma course which will take me there. I will no longer be so emotionally involved in the outcome of my family -  horse to water and all that! Will still drag them through the day, but have my eyes on the prize of fulfilling my life as opposed to others.

As I have been writing this, Ed has come home. My lovely escort who does such a great job of getting my wee boy to school and home again, told me that the teachers had asked him to tell me that Ed has been great all week. That just goes to prove to me what I had already concluded. My whirl is on the final rinse and spin. The child that had brought me to the very brink, is now slowly becoming a source of joy. He came in happy as a sand boy, changed into his PJ's by himself, is eating his raisins and apples, having dug the Room on the broom DVD of the shelf, and is watching it like any other normal child. As I have less stress from him, its becoming obvious how much I am out of whack, back to the ben and holly analogy of the sun and stars, Ed being the sun of all stress and calming down, all the other ones are becoming visible. Living with 3 boys and a husband, it sometimes feels like I have 4 disable sons. Well, rock on tommy, I am ready to face whatever comes. To all those families still in the bunker battling daily life, take heart. Face your problems full on with faith in your ability to win and you will.

Now, I promise to post next week one about fats just in time for christmas. So, when your pouring your double cream over your clotted cream, and smothering everything in yummy butter, you can feel like your feeding your family a wholesome diet - instead of clogging their arteries! That's just a hint of what to expect. X

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